Sunday, June 1, 2008

GAYPHONES: a guide to communicating with "headphone dudes"

lately there have been a lot of ipod related deaths in the news. a man in hamilton was run over by a train as he was walking home while he jammed out to nickelback and an exchange student from kenya was killed in british columbia when a helicopter went off course and plowed right into him while he was getting jiggy to the latest young jeezy track. both of these tragedies could have been averted had the victims not been listening to their ipods. not only is listening to an ipod dangerous, it turns a fun session into skateboard practice.

aside from stubbing your toe off of a coffee table, there's not a lot of things that are worse than trying to have a sick sesh while some gnar dog cranks up the arcade fire on his pod and zones out, unable to hear all compliments and criticisms alike.and when it boils down to it isn't yelling and heckling what skateboarding's all about?

everyone knows a 'headphone dude' and they know how much it sucks, it's a fact of life and they will always there. so instead of sitting here bellyaching about it, writing long, pointless, drawn out blog posts with too many adjectives, we here at highfive have come up with some basic hand signals to communicate with these 'headphone dudes'.

1. "hey man, nice trick/sick style/cool pants"

in the event the the headphone dude has sick style, or cool pants or lands a nice trick, which is likely because he can't hear your screams of discouragement over the techno remix of 'crazy little thing called love' he is listening to, you should let him know that the maneuver he just landed was totally sick. to perform this sign extend your right thumb, lift your right arm to shoulder height and be sure to smile big.

2. "...whatever dickhead, suck my cock.."

because the dude probably won't notice you giving him props, it is now ok to insult him. to tell the dude to go chow on a meat popsicle grab your groin with both hands and squeeze hard enough that you get a genuinely painful facial expression to help emphasize your point.

3. "hey asshole, take out those stupid god damn headphones for a second"

if a normal, verbal interaction with a headphone dude is necessary, this sign is the best way to initiate it. with both hands pretend that you are holding invisible headphones and move your fingers back and forth beside your ears. if you are able to make this sign visible to the dude, his natural instincts will be to remove the headphones and verbal communication can then be made.

4. "hey douchebag, your stupid piece of shit phone is ringing"

in the event that the headphone dude gets a phone call, likely from some old gay man looking for a midnight rendezvous with a young boy in exchange for new headphones, this sign is best for informing him. with your right hand use your thumb and pinky finger to create the shape of a phone and hold it to your ear, while with your left hand pointing towards his phone. the dude will understand and more than likely be keen to have gay sex with the man on the other end of the line.

5. "go fuck yourself, you headphone wearing scum bag"

this sign is used just when you wish to tell the dude to fuck off. extend your middle finger on each hand and point then at the dude and be sure to get a bad ass lean back going on so he knows you're serious.

we hope you find these signs helpful in your communication with headphone dudes. just remember that headphones are super lame and super gay.

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